Everyone!

My daughter-in-law sent me photos the other day from this blog, comparing KJ with Jude. They are nearly the same child in pictures. 

Jude (and beardless Danny).

Dr. KJ

It really got me thinking. 

When I made this blog so many years ago, I was using it as a way to decompress from the days of "a lot". A lot of mommy-ing, and wife-ing, and housekeeping, and whatever other "-ings" I forgot. 

I made this blog for me, so I thought. 

My kids have referenced "the blog" many many times over the years. Collected photos from it, and giggled at each other over them. 

The blog is theirs. It's for everyone.  

I never thought in a million years that this blog would be read by my son's future wife. And I am so grateful to have the memories for her to enjoy. 

The blog is hers. It's for everyone. 

There have been so many changes in our world, and it's fun to go back and see how"simple" life felt through the blog. 

The blog is where Noah's story is told. I have to go back and refresh my memory of the sequence of events from that crazy, but blessed time in our lives. 

The blog is Noah's. It's for everyone. 

I do come up with ideas regularly to add to the blog. I have good intentions to keep it updated, but life has needed to be lived, and things needed to get done. 

Alas, I will update the "goings on" while I'm here. 

Danny and I, through thick and thin are doing well. We are in a good place, and we are both quite happy. We're getting old(er) and it shows. Our favorite past-time is sitting at the table while the kids are winding down for the day, and chit-chatting while playing the card game 5 Crowns. 

Danny is finishing his PhD in Theology and Apologetics, and stays busy coaching basketball and getting his work-outs on at the YMCA. 

I  have been building an incredible business in Real Estate. My clients have treated me very well. Even though I have recently accepted a position as a Partnership Executive with a company, I will continue to build my real estate business (just in a very different way). I haven't told many people about my new position, but I get to work directly with and invest in Real Estate Agent's businesses. It's very cool, it's an amazing opportunity, and I am blessed. 

We are still homeschooling! 13 years strong!

Kobe is married to a lovely lady, Checobia. They gave us our first grandbaby, Kobe Jr. (we call him KJ). He is only 14 months old and isn't really using a particular name for me, but I've been working on getting the name Gummi. KJ is the Baby Bear, he has his Mama Bear and his Papa Bear...and me, his Gummi Bear! Kobe still has the same job he has had since graduating highschool. He installs fiber-optics, and all the stuff that involves. He starts talking about heat-mapping and fiber splicing and all the things that quite franky go over my head, but he is good at it, and we are so proud of him. Che(cobia) is a stay-at home mama. Need I say more. She is a VERY VERY busy gal. They are such good parents, and it makes me so proud!

Mia is in her second year of college. She is doing well, and has always been a good student. She is pursuing Civil Engineering and will go far! She is a go-getter and is a gal who really knows what she wants. She has been working at a Summer/Winter camp in Tennesee, and was able to go on a really cool trip to the Boundary Waters in Minnesota with that camp last year. She's adventurous and loves music, the outdoors, and her little dog Baxter. She makes Baxter gourmet meals and has taught that dog more tricks than you can believe.  

Lula is a junior in highschool. Lula is a writer. She loves literature and discussions. She enjoys thrift-shopping and listening to music. She is always finding great CDs at the thrift stores and has a successful little online store where she sells some of her thrifted items. She is playing basketball and is quite good at it. She stays up on her studies and is always meeting her friends for coffee and chat. She's has a lovely old soul. 

Jude is in seventh grade. He is a middle-school boy who loves basketball and literature (if I'm reading it to him). He is an amazing all-around great basketball player with high court IQ. He has grown so much and is almost officially taller than me. He is quite witty and very particular about his hair. He likes to build things. He built a rope swing over our backyard ravine. Yeah, it's kinda dangerous and makes me think of Bridge to Terabithia every time he is back there playing on it. He also loves video games and creating and editing videos, which he is also very good at.

 

Someday we will look at this post and giggle at the pictures, and talk about how times have changed, because time is always changing things.

Maybe reading this post reminds you of how things have changed in your family. Maybe you're thinking about where the kids are now, and how much they've grown. 

This blog is for you! It's for everyone!

 

Love, The Zeres

It's been a year

It's so strange. Life. It's so strange.
It's so beautiful. Life. It's so beautiful.

Today is our sweet Noah's 1st birthday. Instead of celebrating the precious little milestones a one-year old blesses us with, we will be celebrating a whole year that our dear gurgling baby boy spent in Heaven.

There are so many things that I've learned through the months and months and months that made up this year.

So many things have happened and changed through this year. It's been the longest and toughest and strangest and most beautiful year I've ever lived.

My family did everything we could to try to change the situation we faced with Noah.
When we were diagnosed, we sent out what felt like billions of prayer requests.
And James 5:13-15 says:
"Is any one of you suffering? He should pray. Is anyone cheerful? He should sing praises. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick. The Lord will raise him up."
So we went to the elders of the church and they prayed over us and they anointed our heads with oil.
I remember throwing myself to the ground many times and begging God. I was begging and weeping and begging for God not to take Noah, and I would do anything. Anything! We wanted healing of some kind. Something, anything God would do so that Noah could stay with us.

God said no.

Can you imagine?

Throughout this year some things occurred to me.

ONE, I realized how little my faith really was, however I thought it to be huuuuuge!
My children taught me so much about faith. 

When we prayed for a miracle for Noah, they believed it was going to happen so much that my  6yr old Jude would put toys aside for Noah. 

When his sweet little voice would talk about all the things he would teach Noah and all the things he would save for Noah, my heart would rip from the inside out. 

My faith was not even the size of a mustard seed. 

I of course was crushed because I didn't have faith in the healing, and believed that Noah wouldn't be around to learn these things or see these things, and it destroyed me. 

But not Jude, he believed so much that his brother would be healed, because his faith is unshakable.

TWO, I realized how hard life is with a teenager through his senior year of highschool. I always thought that my children, as they grow, will need me less and less. 

Oh that's so the opposite of the truth. 

You need to be a prayer warrior when you have a teenager. 

Every single free moment that you have to pray for them, do it! 

What felt like the most impossible year with trials and teenage-hood has panned out to be such an awesome situation. Our oldest told us a year ago that he didn't want to go to college and that he wanted to learn a trade instead. We know, but they don't know that parents just want what is best for them. We wanted our son to be successful and work hard, but it didn't seem like a good idea to support a not-well-thought-out plan. Long-story-short, they do grow up and they do actually repeat the good things you tell and teach them. He now has a great job, his own life, and is excelling by leaps and bounds and I am so proud of him!! Do not throw your hands in the air and give up, just respond with love. Just keep loving them no matter what. My boy and I have an agreement: no wedges between our relationship, and no lies. So when he came into my room late one night and muttered the words "Mom remember how you said that I always need to tell you the truth?" I had to brace and endure through the next 4 words "I got a tatoo". This nearly made smoke come out of my ears, but I first thanked him for telling me the truth. I have heard the "Mom remember how you said that I always need to tell you the truth?" bomb many times since, but I see it as a sign that my son trusts me and confides in me to share his life with me, every step of the way. 

Good and bad!

THREE, grief is a tricky little thing. I was looking through some of my old never-posted blog posts and one of them really caught my attention.

This was from June 24, 2018:

"It's been 9 months and 3 days since we lost Noah.
They say with grief, there are 5 stages:
Denial... anger...bargaining...depression, and acceptance.
I'm not sure where miserable disconsolate human falls within those five stages, but it's where I am. I knew I would change, I knew I would never be the same after losing Noah, but I didn't know what to expect.
I dropped out of school, yay me!
I have become the most disconsolate women. Even my husband "jokingly" suggested I join the military."

Just a couple nights ago at a bible study, someone said that I looked as though I was flourishing. I do feel like I'm flourishing, but this previous blog post was not of a women who felt like she was flourishing. Grief can grab you and sink you when you least expect it.

I do not understand why God told us no when we begged an pleaded to keep Noah , but I do know that God is good. 

Through the confusion and crushing pain and anger and the flourishing, God has always been so close. There are moments that I'm so exhausted from doing me, that I can barely make it till bedtime before I start shutting down. 

My health has plummeted and big plans have fallen through, but some how I'm happier and more content than I've ever been.

It's so strange. Life. It's so strange.
It's so beautiful. Life. It's so beautiful.

God Bless!

Peace

I have started many blog posts, but abandon them shortly through. 

I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to be right now, and my writing can go from one extreme to the other. I am avoiding extremes at all costs.

Overall, the only thing I can really say is that I'm at peace. 

There is no better way to describe where I'm at. 

It's a strange place to be. It's a good place, but a strange place. 

It catches me off guard at times. 

I feel almost guilty sometimes for being in this place, but I've found that it suits me best.

I was so eager, but afraid to give birth to Noah. What scared me the most was having to endure the goodbye. I have always begged God to never ever take one of my children. How can a mother bare such an ache? 

I think I may understand now why God made me wait so long to have Noah. When I first was induced in the middle of August, I didn't understand how much I needed to pray for PEACE. 

When I came home after the first induction didn't work, I prayed unceasingly for a PEACE that would surpass all understanding. 

Morning after morning, day after day, and night after night. Peace. Peace. Peace.

I remember at the beginning of Noah's diagnosis, we were told those meager percentages. The grim chances of him making it to his due date. The grim chances of him making it through delivery. The grim chances of us holding him and hearing him and watching him live. Things were quite grim in those early days. I never knew that peace could even be a possible solution in my new equation of life.

There were so many very simple ways that God showed us He was present and in charge of our situation.

The labor and delivery was very very rough, but to spare the harsh details, which I will, Danny and I could not stop thinking that Noah wasn't going to make it through. It was definitely the most traumatic labor I have ever endured. 

Noah did make it through because he was such a warrior. 

A warrior I tell you, so strong! 

Noah entered the world on the International Day of Peace, September 21, 2017 at 9:12 pm. 

How appropriate right? 

It was perfect!

He was absolutely beautiful and perfect! He was cooing and gurgling; he had so much to tell us (another thing he wasn't supposed to be able to do).

It worked out that Vince, Mom, and the children were right outside the door when he was born. They were the first to hold him. Shortly after, he was baptized by the Chaplin from our palliative care organization called Noah's Children. 

It was perfect!

The whole experience was seriously perfect! 

We had our favorite nurse. 

Noah waited for her, she worked the overnight shift.
We had two very very talented doctors. 

Yes, it took two doctors, Noah wanted an entourage to greet him :)

We were told early on that Noah may not be a candidate for organ donation due to his condition. I came to terms with that and tried to convince myself of all the reasons I wouldn't want that anyway.

Noah took his last breath in my arms at 4:51 am.

Every prenatal appointment I had, the doctors would listen to Noah's heartbeat and comment that his heart was always strong. 

Even after his last breath, his little heart kept beating for a long time. 

I think it's beautiful that he had a strong heart.
At about 7:30 am I received a call from an organ donation center. Noah had a donor request from a baby needing heart valves. 

They didn't know that Noah had a strong heart, but we did and God did. 

Pieces of his strong little heart were going to live in another little baby. It was perfect!

One of my best friends told me a couple months before Noah was born that she had a dream about me. In the dream, I came to her and murmured a couple words. Fearing how to decipher the words I spoke, she told me that she would wait until Noah was born and wait to see if I tell her those same words. While going through the whole story and telling her over and over how everything was so perfect, she told me that the words said in the dream were "Noah was born perfect!" He sure was, he was perfect!

What feels like an eternity ago was only two weeks; the last time I held Noah. Of course I miss him and it breaks my heart. Every morning that I drop Jude off at school I completely let my emotions run free. It's the time when I'm alone and it's also a time where I'm reminded of my relationship with my boys. My boys are very much "mama's boys" and it just rips my heart into pieces knowing that I can't physically experience that with my third boy. I know how our relationship would be. He would put Mama on a pedestal like his brothers. He would protect me with all that he has like his brothers. 

They all love love love their daddy too, but there is something special and different about Mama. Noah actually opened his eyes for Danny, not me, but waited for me to hold him while he took his last gasps of air.

I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know for now I have a lot of healing to do(in every form). I have a lot of things going on with my family, we're a busy bunch. I am traveling home for a week. I can't wait to be in the Adirondacks for some fresh air.

I have so much to look forward to. Some of those things are coming up soon, some later, and some not until I leave this earth.

God is good! All the time!

💓💓💓💓💓

Miracles Abound...

On Christmas morning in 2016, I decided to take one last pregnancy test just to be sure. I knew something was a bit off, but after nine negative pregnancy tests in a row, I wasn't expecting number ten to reveal anything different. The thought process was more like "well, I have one more unused pregnancy test just burning a hole in the bottom of the bathroom cabinet, why not just use it up?"

Surprise! We're pregnant!

Danny and I were not as thrilled as one can imagine. We both had so many plans that revolved around having big kids now, those whom were not really requiring a mega amount of care-giving.
Our attitude was that which can be quoted: "If God wills, then it is what it is, and may it be done".

Weeks went by, and the desire for a brand new baby developed pretty quickly and intensely in both of our hearts.

Fast forward...

On April 10 2017 we received the news that our baby (19 weeks in utero) had a severe birth defect that would make him unable to live outside the womb.

Our world changed forever.
Nothing we look at looks the same, and maybe it never will.

At the time of the diagnoses we were told that our baby would have a zero percent chance of survival after birth and as well, a very small percentage of making it to full-term.

Back to December 2016: I saw the doctor for my first pre-natal visit, and I was sent home with a bag-full of baby goodies and a due date. My baby was going to be due on September 7, 2017.

Here we are! Today is Noah's due date. He made it! He is kicking my sides and ribs as I type.

Happy due date Noah :)

If there is anything I've learned from this whole experience, it's that God is still in the miracle making business. Miracles are not something that just happened in ancient biblical stories, there are miracles abound.

Miracles are happening around me at such a significant rate, that I'm completely and utterly blown away. Let me tell you from someone who has received so many miracles; you never get used to magnitude of impact that a miracle creates in your life. As a matter of fact, each miracle gets more intensified, and each one baffles you as much or more than the last.

Most of you know the story, we're just waiting.

Noah is not ready to come. Is God up to something? Probably.

Everyday and every night we still pray for a miracle for baby Noah. We don't specify what kind of miracle we're looking for because God knows our hearts. He knows our desires, and above all, we trust Him. He knows what miracles we need.

I haven't been good about returning messages or giving updates on the situation lately, and I'm sorry. I have been in a weird place. First of all, I've been kind of stewing in negative emotions lately, and I haven't had the desire to write about it.

Miraculously, for the first time in my whole pregnancy, I physically feel decent. Yeah, I have my daily conclusive "I'm done with this nonsense". But for the most part I really don't feel as terrible as I did before we tried to induce labor, however many weeks ago. I don't feel as fragile, and it's an immense relief and a gigantic blessing. God is good!

Looks like we're going to go to 42 weeks before inducing again, unless Noah comes before.

I cannot stress enough how much the prayers, and messages, and good thoughts, and all the love sent our way has kept us going.

I feel like this is not just us going through this situation alone, I feel like you are all honestly and sincerely going through this with us, and it makes me feel so grateful.

I pray for PEACE!

I love you all sincerely.

God bless you and all of yours.

Surprised by Joy

Last week I found out that I'm already 1 cm dilated. This has never happened with any of my pregnancies. I am only 36 weeks today. Usually we're over 40 weeks and no sign of cervix preparedness.

I had a day of appointments (I use that term "day of appointments" because it's one appointment after another, and it's really the whole day long). 

Last week I was told that if I were 3 or more cms I would deliver Noah today. 

Before my appointments, we met with our palliative care organization for lunch and discussed some heavy topics.
We are torn about what to do for Noah if and when he passes. We are not sure we'll stay here in Williamsburg, so if we bury him here, would we be potentially abandoning him when and if we leave? Cremation is an option, but is it the best way? These are discussions that no parent should ever ever have to discuss. 

It's heartbreaking, unnatural and it sucks.

At my appointment we found out that my cervix has not changed, I'm still 1 cm, so we're are on schedule with the original date which will make me 37 weeks. We will start the induction Wednesday evening with the plan to have him Thursday morning (8/17). I was really happy to be able to go home today and know that Noah will have another week to live inside the womb.
I feel like I'm a bit of a ball of emotions and a swirl of thoughts.

One thing that I feel though, is immense joy.
How can anyone feel joy in a situation like this?
I know, it surprised me too!

I feel joy because I'm surrounded by people who love me and care for me. My phone has been getting non-stop messages and calls from people who are thinking of us and praying for us.

I feel joy because I am so blessed. I have so many gifts from God.

I feel joy because people are pouring love onto us like you can't imagine. It is AMAZING!

I feel joy because I have my mom and friends who are trying to help me with a healing plan for the grief.

I feel joy because my mom and Vince are ALWAYS here.

I feel joy because my friends and family are ALWAYS here.

I feel joy because the palliative care organization is ALWAYS here.

I feel joy because my husband has been so wise and calm and peaceful and positive and directive the whole way.

I feel joy because my children are positive and understanding and have even made suggestions on what we should do for celebrating Noah's life in the present and future.

I feel joy because I get to bring a soul into the world that may not be staying long in bodily form, but who has touched so many hearts and lives and will continue to for years to come.

For the next week while Noah is in the womb, I'm going to wallow in joy. I will seek it, and find it, and take it in like I've never done before. I want Noah to feel how much joy he's wrapped in. You may get sick of hearing how much joy I've found by the end of this week...or maybe you will join me.
I plan to post a picture every day this week showing the joy I've found. You should too!

I feel joy because God is good...all the time!


Surprised by joy day one: I don't think I need to caption this image, you just know the joy I feel.



    Image by Patience Salgado

Where Art Thou Sanctification?

It's been an eventful week.

I joined a support group on Facebook for parents with anencephalic babies shortly after Noah's diagnosis. Most days, it's one of the first things I check in the morning. There is so much information and support from the people in that group. I feel a bond with those people like no other. There are daily postings, and (unfortunately) a lot of people going through the same battle we are going through. Maybe I won't always describe this situation as a battle, but right now, it's what it feels like.

In the group, each day brings new news: sometimes a picture of a long anticipated birth, along with stories of love and loss. Sometimes just questions about ways to cope, or medical experiences, or ideas for memory keeping and celebrations of life. I personally love seeing and hearing about the birth stories. 

It's almost become an obsession. 

I want to know every detail. 

I guess in a world where Google can give us so many answers, I've gotten used to the idea of needing to know exactly what to expect. If I get enough data through each of these stories, I can pinpoint how my story will play out. I've even tried to morph images in my head to get an idea of what Noah will look like. I have been afraid of this. It's petty and immature I know, but I scare easily, and I am scared of what he will look like.

I hear from so many people about how strong and inspirational I am to them. 

Don't get me wrong, it feeds my ego (and who doesn't love that), but honestly, I'm not any more strong than anyone else.
The time is closing in, I am only three weeks away from delivering Noah, and it is time for me to get myself in gear. Which gear? 

Maybe reverse? 

Give myself a little more time to enjoy the kicks and flips I feel Noah doing inside me. I'm not kidding, he is literally flipping, we saw him on the ultrasound. 

No, not reverse, I am really really done being pregnant. 

This is the hardest pregnancy ever!

Not just because of Noah's condition, but every part of it. My body is not keeping up and I can't handle it mentally.
Maybe the gear doesn't actually exist in car reference, but I need to shift into finding the path to sanctification. I've been seeking it for many many months now, and I get glimpses of it here and there, but I need to find it fully.

I know this may sound a little naive, but over the past two months the doctors couldn't see Noah's face on the ultrasound because he was too far down in my pelvis. I thought that maybe, just maybe Noah's skull had miraculously grew. If his skull grew, and his head managed to close, he would be able to protect whatever bit of brain he had left. Maybe this would be the miracle story of the century.

Well, I just had a day of appointments yesterday. Noah was breech when we first looked on the ultrasound, so we were able to snap a 3D image of his face. I mostly requested the image because I wanted to know whether he had a cleft lip which is pretty common in anencephalic babies (again, a fear I had). There on that image, was not only proof that Noah didn't have a cleft lip, but also the most blatant evidence of Noah's condition. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but made me realize that I'm not scared at all of how Noah looks. Shortly after, we saw Noah turn head down into a full flip and I fully took advantage of the humor in that situation.

We toured the Labor and Delivery dept. and met the Bereavement Coordinator. 

We talked about everything from entry paperwork to discharge information. It was really nice and perspective changing. It all suddenly became real...like really real.
I woke up today with fear of labor for the first time in this pregnancy. 

I think it's pretty normal, but it's so unsettling.

As much as possible, I need to just stay connected to my holy place. 

I need to remind myself that there is something much bigger here that is going on. 

There is a perfect plan, and I'm part of it, my family is part of it, my friends and support team are part of it, and Noah is part of it. 

What it is is completely unknown to me right now, but I trust that it is all part of my journey toward sanctification.
God is good!!!

Fireflies and Photo-Bugs...

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever." -Psalm 23

THIS! This is one of my husband's favorite Psalms. He even plays a tune to it on the guitar. I've heard this Psalm probably a million times. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I've never really related to it...until now.

I am at a point in my life where (while on summer break) I don't have to rush around for anything. As a matter of fact, I can sleep in. Every one of my children can make themselves breakfast (and lunch if need be). I don't necessarily sleep in late, but I do like to linger in bed. There is a huge Crape Myrtle tree in our front yard, and it completely covers my second story bedroom window. In the summer it's so full that I don't even close the curtains for privacy. There are a pair of cardinals (among a gazillion other birds) that hang out in our tree. Right now the blossoms on the tree are a tender, but vibrant pink. So, I spend my lazy mornings just staring out at this lively little space. I have no idea what kind of meetings or interactions are taking place, but I like to imagine the conversations being had. 

I feel as though, just like in the Psalm, God is slowing me down. He maketh me lie in bed to enjoy his tiny little natural world, just outside my window. "He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul."

I don't know what the fall will bring, but I do know that I will have a hand in homeschooling the children again. Last year Danny was the sole homeschool-facilitator. I was so ill from the pregnancy, that aside from my few days teaching at the Math Science Center, I couldn't handle anything else. 

We have very different methods and ideas when it comes to homeschooling. He is rigidly academic- driven, where I'm more art and nature-study-driven. I think it was brilliant to have the children experience both. Don't ask them which they prefer when Danny is in earshot :)

I'm excited to begin our nature journals more than anything else. You never know what you'll find when you're out exploring. Just tonight we found a few friends on our evening walk.

Lula is always catching fire flies:

I recently pulled my camera out. I haven't been taking photos; I haven't the desire or creativity lately. I wanted to make a few nice photos for Danny's mom before she headed back to Ethiopia. I figured the cell-phone pictures (though the quality isn't that bad) wouldn't cut it. So here I am, schlepping that dang heavy camera around because I have recently gotten the photo-bug. 

  

...and my goofy boy.

Well, we have 5 weeks left before we meet Noah. I know it sounds like a very short amount of time, but I am not doing well physically. I am completely wiped out. My body feels like it's not holding up. I can't explain how painful it is when Noah kicks downward. I remember this with the others a little, but this is just breath-taking. My doctor said that I am experiencing high fluids 25cm to be exact. This could put me in pre-term labor, but I'm fervently praying against that. Apparently, a low-sugar, high-fiber diet can help, so I'm working on making some dietary changes.  

Today was the first day I cried in a long time. Danny wanted us to take the kids to the beach, as much as I wanted to go, anxiety flooded over me. I can't go far for long. I get too tired. I got completely emotional because I felt like most days, I'm missing out. Danny will regularly take the children out while I rest. Today I didn't want to have to rest. 

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. 

Yeah, I know this is temporary, but it was just hard to grasp that today. 

I kept thinking that most pregnant women who miss out because they need to rest can say that it all pays off in the end. 

The reward in the end is all worth it. 

My reward is going to be taken from me and that was hard to grasp today.

We ended up going to my mom and Vince's pool across town and had a blast! We even dressed up as cows afterward and enjoyed free Chick Fil-A for Cow Appreciation Day :) 

"Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."

Kobe had an amazing thing happen to him tonight. He got a phone call from his good friend Juan.

Juan had been in a very bad car accident a month and half ago. For the first three days after the accident, the doctors said that Juan was brain dead. We have been praying for him every day and every night. Updates would trickle in and little by little we would get news of his progress. Just a couple updates ago, he was giving yes and no signs. Then he was smiling, moving limbs, and giving more responses. 

Every update, Kobe would run into my room and jump around in excitement. "Look mom, look what Juan is doing now!"
So you can imagine what it was like for Kobe to get a phone call from him tonight. 

"Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."

God is good!

A little update...

So many wonderful things are happening around us.

I feel as though my blog as of recent has become a place where I share updates of our situation with Noah and his condition, however, it has always been, since the beginning, a digital scrapbook of sorts for my family and friends. I'm in a position where time is on my side, so I will continue to "scrapbook" as well as update on Noah's situation.

I am 29 weeks pregnant. I had a recent ultrasound which confirmed Noah still has this unfortunate neural tube defect, which gives him a 0% chance of survival outside the womb. Some families have experienced hours, even days with their children whom had the same defect. God will ultimately decide how long we will have with Noah.
I feel so out of the loop with this pregnancy. I have never received an internal exam (not that I'm necessarily complaining). I haven't had the glucose test or peed in a cup for months and months. These are things that us moms dread in a sense, but they all are things that you deal with when you have a healthy pregnancy. I do have a lot of ultrasounds which are maybe the best kind of appointments to have.
There is a condition that is common with anencephalic babies called Polyhydramnios. This is when there is an excess amount of amniotic fluid due to the baby not being able to swallow the fluid well. It causes major discomfort for mom. I haven't really felt well during any part of this pregnancy. I'm still experiencing morning sickness occasionally, and other dreadful issues that I'll spare you of the details. Anyhow, I have been praying against this Polyhydramnios nonsense because I just can't imagine having one more contributing factor to an even more uncomfortable pregnancy. Please please pray against this for me!
I had a couple scares that were put to rest after my recent ultrasound, as well as good news that Noah is not experiencing any other defects aside from the anencephaly. That kind of sums up all the physical stuff.

We have had so many things going on around here:

Mia and Danny had birthdays, Danny and I celebrated our 16th anniversary, and Danny's mom Theodora, is visiting us from Ethiopia.

If I have never mentioned how amazing of a cook she is, let me do that now. She is AMAZING!! She has been spoiling us rotten with her meals. She has only been here a few days and has already made tiropita, spanakopita, meatloaf, cookies, cake, and has a whole list of dishes lined up. We have been going out for coffee every morning and walking up and down Colonial Williamsburg. I'm thoroughly enjoying my time with her. All of us are! What a blessing she is!

All the children are doing well. Other than semi-typical teenager issues, and sibling rivalry, all is well.

We have decided we're going to deliver Noah an hour away in Richmond. We really feel like the hospital there will meet our needs and our palliative care organization is there. They are our support group. With that being said, we will need to plan our delivery, because going into labor naturally is not an option. My labors are too quick and the hospital is too far away. We've decided that we are going to deliver Noah at 37 weeks. 

That puts us at 8 weeks remaining. 

It's a little sobering. 

I'm trying not to think about it too much, but it's hard not to. I still can not imagine what it will be like. I can't imagine anything outside the task at hand. If God decides that the miracle we're asking for, is not the miracle we will receive...I will be saying goodbye to my child. I still can't get over that hump. This is actually one of my biggest fears ever.

I do feel blessed to have had time to know that this is a likely reality. 

I was told that a nurse in my OB practice also had a baby with anencephaly, but never found out till birth. How devestating!

The biggest heartache is yet to come, and that's what I fear. However, I am trying to keep my focus on the light. I do not want to wallow in darkness, nor do I want to entertain the fears. I pray for PEACE and comfort, especially for my husband, children, family, and friends.
I pray for guidance, direction, and sound mind.

God bless all of you!

Eye of the storm...

There is a famous story in the Bible {Matthew 14:22} where Jesus is walking on water. Peter was in a boat in the middle of a terrible storm, witnessing this miraculous sight. Peter says to Jesus, "If it is you Lord, ask me to come to you on the water". Jesus does as Peter asks, he puts his hands out and asks Peter to come to him. Peter steps out of the boat and begins to walk on water toward Jesus. When Peter took his eyes off Jesus and focused on the storm surrounding him, he began to sink into the sea.

I have had many people come to me and tell me that they admire my strength through our recent tribulations. I've heard it so often, as a mater of fact, I started believing that "yeah, I'm pretty good at this", "I got this", "I am such a strong women", "I", "I", "I". Of course I had my moments where I would break down and lose my barrings. After all, I have a baby inside my belly, who kicks and moves and reminds me of the miracle of life every moment. However, also reminds me that he has anencephaly, he won't survive outside the womb, he may not make it through delivery, or if he does only for moments afterwards. So again, I had reason to lose my barrings, but overall, I was pretty good.

I had a week of very crushing realizations. I was no longer good. I was no longer strong. I no longer "had this".

I literally wept for a week straight. That whole week straight the sky was grey, and rain poured out from every angle...non-stop! I wore black (top to bottom) every...single...day. I slept and slept and slept. When I wasn't working, I was sleeping or weeping. Everywhere my children requested to go would be postponed "maybe tomorrow". I thought day after day that tomorrow would be better. Tomorrow would come, and I found that the same feelings and sadness followed me through the night. My body hurt. I couldn't go far without having to rest. I was in a dark, cold, unfriendly place that I didn't recognize. Everyone that I spoke to seemed to be in a bad place as well. There was so much misery and suffering and what seemed like no way out.

One morning on my way into a school where I was teaching, the sun came out and shined brightly on my face. It was so warm and bright and gentle. It literally felt like a kiss from God. I remember stopping and looking into the sky. I held both of my arms out and took in a deep breath. It was over. I could feel it. Not sure what happened at that moment, but I just knew that I was being called from the storm. I was like Peter in the boat. I didn't see Jesus walking on water, but I can't explain what I experienced. It was beautiful and hopeful and loving.

That was just a little over a week ago, and since then I have been in such a peaceful place. I am keeping my eye on Jesus. I have learned that this strength is not something I did, or have, or can conjure; it's Jesus. There are times when I'm feeling great, but doubt starts setting in, I can feel myself sinking into the sea. I know that as long as I have my sights on Jesus, I will continue walking on the water, and the storm cannot touch me. I am safe.

God is good all the time!

"You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn. Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm."
-Ryan Stevenson

When the Levee Breaks

Straight out of the gate: I want to thank everyone who has been supporting us through this past month. The messages, calls, hugs, offers, and constant check-ins have been incredibly uplifting, and have made me feel so loved, and have given me so much strength.

My Mama, and a couple of close friends have encouraged me to keep writing about our situation in order that it may help someone else going through the same thing, and I have to agree. I was a little hesitant at first, but I suppose even from my end, there is a form of healing that happens each time I talk about our journey.

The past few weeks have been ______. I may come back and fill that blank in later, but right now I don't have a single word to sum it up.

I feel like I've been building a levee to hold back all the emotions. I've been doing things to distract myself from my emotions. I found the last season of Downton Abbey on Prime, so I've been binge-watching that. Jude downloaded a silly cooking game on my phone, and I've been binge-playing that (even though it's terribly annoying and resembles a recurring waitressing dream that I have. You know, when the restaurant fills up with angry customers and all of a sudden you are the only person working).

Of course there is school work to be done. My professors have extended my courses and omitted late penalties. I was very reluctant to share my situation with them, but when I finally did, I'm glad I did so. I really need those extra days and I am sooooo grateful to them for doing so.

In a sense, I think it's good to distract my mind from emotions, however there is a downfall: that levee built by distraction is bound to break, and it has. I am sooooo good at holding my emotions back. Like, really good! BUUUTTTTT when the levee breaks, it's completely unexpected, and I'm not prepared. It hits me at the most inopportune times.

Last week when I was waitressing, I had a family at my table: Mom, dad, and their teenage daughter whom has Down's Syndrome. I can't even explain why it took me by surprise, but it did. I saw how smart and beautiful and perfect the daughter was, and watched them laugh and enjoy each other's company... and then the levee broke. The flood of emotions that I'd been storing up flowed out like there was no end. The only thing I could do was hit the ladies room, look myself in the eye, and use some threatening language toward myself "get a grip!". I had to pull it together and all I kept thinking was why didn't we get THAT diagnoses? Why does Noah have to have a condition incompatible with life and not be something he can live with? It would be some of the best news if the doctors came back to us and told us that Noah had Down's Syndrome. Why does it have to Anencephaly? Why did this happen? Why do we have to be the ones chosen for this heart-wrenching journey? Why were we chosen to suffer? Down-right miserable pain and agony and torture and torment. I can take pain, lots of it, but suffering, I just can't take this. This is too much. I was incredibly jealous and sad and mad and burning with envy. I was angry and resentful and then ashamed for feeling that way. I became sad and sorry and remorseful and convicted.

Yup...the levee broke...

Danny and I are planning a trip away. Call it a babymoon if you will :) I feel like we just need a few days away to experience these emotions. A vacation to go somewhere and cry if we want to. We're heading out of the state in a few weeks. I usually get really excited about vacations and I plan and plan and plan and plan. I like to find the coolest coffee shops and play parks and historic sites, but this time, we're just going to wing it. We will be getting Ethiopian food cause well, that's our thing, but nothing else planned. We found a little granny cottage in the woods. Nothing like a little healing from serenity in nature.

I'll leave on a positive note:
A baby palliative/hospice care organization reached out to us and we just can't even believe how much they are doing for our family. They are making us meals, they give us gift cards to grocery stores, and they come to my appointments to "be my voice" when I'm too upset to talk. They offer sibling counseling and they offered a photography session for family photos with a very talented local photographer. At my next appointment they are going to record Noah's heartbeat and add it to a build -a-bear for each of my children, so when they squeeze the bear they will hear Noah's heartbeat.
The list goes on and on and on and on and on...

Never have we felt alone in this situation.
Yes, we are unceasingly praying for a miracle for Noah, and sometimes we don't get the miracle we pray for. It's all in God's hands. Point blank!
However, there is no doubt in my mind that the help and support and love we have received is a miracle happening right in front of our eyes.

We are so blessed, and we are so loved.

Unshakable Faith

We've decided on a name for our baby. His name is Noah Gabriel Zere. 

I have so many blessings.

I have an AMAZING family, lovely lovely friends, and a faith that's unshakable. 

But today was rough...

Not sure if it was reality setting in, or just one of those days. Today was my first day back at work-- teaching. For no apparent reason, it was just tough. I found myself sobbing on my way to work, on my lunch break, and albeit nearly the whole way home. I have a two-hour commute (one hour each way). 

Couple things: 

First, I find it absolutely heart-wrenching to watch my children work through their ideas, emotions, and understanding of Noah's situation. Two nights ago at bedtime, just as I was about to close my eyes, Jude's little voice asked, "Is Noah going to die?" 

It took everything I had to hold it together. I took a deep breath and told him, "If God needs Noah more than we do, he will need take him to heaven, ok?". He told me that he was scared and he doesn't want God take Noah. After I reminded him that in heaven there is no sickness, so Noah wouldn't be sick there, and that he would be with God; Jude smiled and said "Oh yeah! I can see Noah when I get to heaven!" 💔 

Secondly, the whole "it's not fair" attitude is creeping into my thoughts. When I think this way, I cannot keep it together. It's not fair that we won't get enough time with this baby. It's not fair that we won't get to know this baby's personality. It's not fair that he won't get to share a room with Jude. It's not fair that I may never hear him cry. It's not fair that he may not live long enough to see his home, or siblings, or grand parents, or dogs. 

I did have an epiphany on my way home today. I asked myself "why", why I am so upset today? Of course there are the obvious reasons, but I was really hard-hit today. I turned off the radio and actually talked to Noah. After all the "it's not fairs" I pointed out, I came to the conclusion that if I kept up with this mindset, I would give off a false sense of feeling short-handed or short-changed. I absolutely do not feel that way. I love this baby exactly the way he is. Do I wish he was healthy? Of course, but I don't feel less blessed that he is not. I love Noah Gabriel Zere with my whole heart, top to bottom. I have to remind myself that this baby is already a miracle. Most babies with this complication end up being miscarried early on. He is a fighter. I am proud and blessed to be the mom that gets to call this beautiful soul my child. I felt the need to completely stop feeling sorry for myself, and I'm so glad I did. That kind of behavior doesn't serve anyone well.  

Some days I feel like I have it all together...that unshakable faith. Other moments, I am so deep in my sorrows. This is proof that I am need of a savior. 

I didn't write this post to make everyone sad with me, and I am sorry if it feels like a sad post, but I think it's ok to be sad now and again. However, I do not think it's ok to be so sad, that it becomes a kill-joy. I will not let fears and sadness get in the way of enjoying the blessing in my life. 

God is good!

I am so blessed. 

I have an amazing family, lovely lovely friends, and a faith that's unshakable.

Our journey...

This post will be kinda long, so go ahead and grab a cup of tea.

I always get so excited when it's time for the anatomical ultrasound during pregnancy. I love love love seeing all the beautiful parts of the baby. There is something so magical about watching the four chambers of your baby's heart work together in perfect harmony to support the tiny miracle inside your body. The legs and arms, and yay we get to see their face before the big day. It's a beautiful bonding experience with the baby before we get to meet. 

There is of course the ease of anticipation which I feel when I find out the sex of the baby (I am my mother's daughter, we've never been those whom have the patience to wait for surprises). Sooo... this time was no different. So excited!! I invited my mom to come to the ultrasound so we could find out the sex of the baby together. This was her first ultrasound ever! We just love this stuff...see, this baby is the tie-breaker between the two boys and two girls; so you can see how important this is :)

I'm 19 weeks pregnant (almost five months). Some of you know how rough this pregnancy has been with the sickness and exhaustion. That has always been an indicator for me that it's a boy. Those boys always make me sick 😆 (shhh don't tell my kiddos yet, but it is indeed a boy). 

Just this past Monday was my ultrasound. My mom and I were just floored by the images. How cool to see all the baby parts. My heart and my love for science were just fluttering!! My mom kept identifying things that I could not even recognize. She was a natural. The ultrasound tech wasn't super talkative, but we both made up for her lack of words. 

The giddiness and good-natured banter between my mom and I came to abrupt halt when the ultrasound tech got up in a scurry, and in a very serious and nervous tone, told us she had to leave to speak with the doctor. She left a very stiff chill in the air of that room. We were both confused and worried. When she came back she hurried us off to a different examination room and told us the doctor would be with us shortly. 

At this point we couldn't help but know something was wrong. All I could think was that they found an indicator that my baby had down-syndrome or some kind of developmental delay. I thought that thinking this way would prepare me for the worst. We had a few words on how disappointed we were in the professionalism or lack there of from the ultrasound tech. I was about to be angry if she worried me over nothing. 

Finally a knock at the door, in comes the doctor. I was familiar with this doctor, I saw him a few times when I was pregnant with Jude. 

He started off the conversation as cordial as one could in his situation. A few ordinary doctor-to-patient questions: How are things? How do you feel? In the back of mind I was screaming "Just let it out, what is wrong with my baby??"

Then, words that still ring like bells of darkness in my mind, came out of his mouth. He explained that they had found something on the ultrasound that was serious. The baby had a beautiful and perfectly beating heart, hands, feet, abdomen...well absolutely perfectly formed everything, except the brain. The brain never formed. 

I am completely heartbroken. I came home and feverishly Googled every possible thing I could about this. I wanted to find out where I went wrong. If I could just know what I did to cause this. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) there is no explanation why this happens.   

Where we're at:

Of course we had to get a confirmation, that is what we received today with a specialist. 

We are at a place where we are fighting for our baby's life. That is our focus. We are faithful. We are not sure why God has us on this painful and difficult path, but we are still as faithful as ever. We know that this experience will grow our faith even more, and make our family closer than ever. We know that our baby has many odds against him. We know that he has no expected survival. We know that contrary to the way our children plan for all the things he will do, and all the things they will teach him, he'll be limited by his time here on earth with us. There are many limitations put on him through the experiences had by other families whom have dealt with this; through science and research. We are listening, but we are not limiting him at all. We are supporting and fighting for him. We are praying for a miracle. We are completely heartbroken and confused. We are still in shock and are at peace. We are ok for some moments of the day, and other moments we completely lose it. 

The pregnancy will be fairly normal in terms of the way I will feel physically. There are are no additional risks for me other than the normal pregnancy risks for anyone. 

The children are aware of the situation, but don't understand the limitations put on the baby due to the survival expectations. That's ok because we're learning a thing or two from them. 

I mostly don't know what to say. I'm still learning to be "normal" in public. So many people ask how I am feeling because I've had it pretty rough with sickness. I don't know how I should answer that question.  I will never be the same again, and I'm learning what that looks like. It's still so early, we just literally got his diagnosis confirmed today. There is a wide-opened wound in my heart and I feel so vulnerable when I'm out. I don't want to return to work, I don't want to leave the house, or return to anything we usually do; however I know that's not the way to deal with this. It's just the way I feel.

I have gotten so many prayers and inquiries and support. I thank you. It is hard to answer everyone's questions and messages, but I'm trying. I am so grateful to all of you. I wanted to write this post so I could explain to everyone what we're going through. It will not be easy, It has been literally the most raw, and excruciating pain I've ever experienced yet in my life. I'm not sure what the next steps are in coping with a situation like this, but I know that we will make it through. Somehow, someway. 

God is good all the time. 

We are asking for your good thoughts, prayers, and support. God bless all of you and yours. 

~A

Day 1: Faith ~100 Days of Happiness

This is a neat little project that I've obligated myself to do. I haven't updated my blog in over a year, and this is how I have challenged myself to keep it current. 100 days of what happiness means to me; through pictures and words. I hope you will follow along :)

Day 1: Faith

Today I will answer a question that many have asked me about my faith. The answer I came up with is an answer which was inspired by the words of Dr. John Lennox.

Q: If there is a God, then why does He allow suffering, and bad things to happen to good people?

A:

 As a Christian, I believe that death

 is not the end of the story. I believe that we will live 

eternally in one of two places (Heaven or Hell). God 

gives the ultimate justice in the end. There is HOPE! 

No matter what happens there is hope. I think we all

 know that ultimate justice is not present here on Earth.

 There are many people who die for illegitimate reasons. 

People suffer daily for the sake of greed, lust, laziness, 

gluttony, wrath, envy, and pride. Without the hope that

 ultimate justice will be done, what is there? 

This is the kicker, God didn't keep distant while we suffer/ed, He became part of it. He became incarnate. He became a man. He was both God and man in a creation we call Jesus. He suffered the ultimate human price...death. He wanted a human relationship with us that would last for thousands of years. This is incredible!! Our history confirms His existence! God became a human for us, to show that He is not a distant spirit, but right here...with us! Well, what happened next? Jesus was killed, exactly the way He said He would be. Crucifixion was supposed to be the most painful, grueling death to experience. Jesus's followers tried to stop Him, tried to talk Him out of being tried, but He already knew what His plan was. He defied death. His robe was folded after He resurrected from His grave. Do you know the significance of the folded robe? In Hebrew tradition, the servant would know if his master was done eating by the napkin. If the napkin was folded on the plate, the servant knew not to touch the plate because the master was returning. If the napkin was just thrown onto the plate, the servant would know to clear the plate because the master was done. Jesus folded His robes, He wasn't done, He was returning. As 

the Gospels state, Jesus did return. He came to show the world

 that death is not the end. There is ultimate justice. There 

is hope. There is an end to suffering, and God planned it 

that way. People ask me, "What if you are wrong?" "What

 if there is no God?" My answer: I'm happy that I was able to

 live a life serving good. I'm happy that I had the opportunity

 to see good everywhere even through the bad and suffering. I

 was able to be a positive thinker and was able to bank 

on hope. I am happy I learned that materialistic

 and earthly things mean nothing to me, and LOVE 

means everything. I'm happy that if I'm wrong, 

have lost nothing. If I am right, I have gained everything!

That, my friends makes me happy. 

A blog post potpourri from Mademoiselle Absentee...

I feel like I've been absent lately. Not from my duties as a mother, wife or home keeper, but from the rest of the world. I just can't quite find a way to fit in. Everyone seems to be whirling by in every which way...

...and me....

...I'm merely dreaming...

I've been sleeping in, and then lingering in bed to read. I've been keeping things tidy and spending a lengthy amount of time on preparing meals and putzing around in the garden. 

The children and I have been frequenting the lonesome play parks...the ones where we are usually the only ones or have very few others showing up.

I'm not purposely avoiding the rest of the world, just subconsciously on a social sabbatical.

The summer is here, and we are leading our merry lives at our own pace. 

When we slow down or stop to notice things, we find ourselves in the midst of pure beauty...

(Photo Credit: M. Zere)

When I am not distracted by busy schedules or time-gulping, electronic apparatuses, I am always present to witness the "Mommy Look" moments that I so adore.  

This year will end a bit differently from the last, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. 

{K} will be going to (public school) high school this year. 

I really really really have enjoyed watching this boy grow into such a beautiful young man over the last few years and I'm selfishly not wanting to let him go. 

He has accomplished so many things and overcome so many obstacles. As much as I can't bare the thought of him being away for more of the day than not, I'm excited for him. He has so many great adventures ahead and so many opportunities to engage in. He is a mighty mighty basketball player and I'm interested to see what he does with that skill. 

Being a homeschooler has allowed him the freedom to really immerse himself in activities of his interest. He has become a clothing designer, musical artist, and has had the ability to fine-tune his athletic skills. He has been able to maintain a couple good-paying jobs, and all-the-while keeping his grades well above average. 

So proud of this kid. I'm going to enjoy every second I can with him this summer before our fall-time schedules start to fill up. 

Even though the fall is known around here as the busy busy time, there is so much to look forward to. 

New adventures in learning and getting back on (the fast) track. 

I am going to make an attempt at taking my own family photos this year! Wish me luck! I will post what I can. I'm sure some of them will turn out just fine, BUT you never can tell...

Just when you think they will hold that adorable smile...

THIS HAPPENS!

God Bless to all and to all...may your summer be as unproductive as you wish!

PS. Happy Birthday to my lovely and dramatic husband!

All in the Golden Afternoon...

Little bread-and-butterflies kiss 

the azaleas, 

and the sun is like a 

toy balloon. 

There are get up in 

the morning rosies, in the golden 

afternoon. 

strings of violets 

are all in tune, 

Turf lillies love 

the dandy lions, in the golden 

afternoon, the golden afternoon.

There are dog and caterpillars and a 

copper centipede,

where the lazy 

daisies love the very peaceful life 

they lead... 

You can learn a lot of 

things from the flowers, for especially 

in the month of June May.

There’s a wealth 

of happiness and romance, all in the 

golden afternoon. ...

All in the golden 

afternoon, the golden afternoon...

 I could not resist...out in my garden today. So many lovely plants there to greet me. This is the time of year when I disappear from the people world. You can find me in the garden world. School is over, and homeschool for kiddos is coming to an end. We will have our noses in flowers, hands in dirt, and our eyes on bugs and nature. I no longer have to be tied to the laptop for assignments, so I figure it's a good time to put it away ...except for blogging :)

C'est la Vie ...and I don't want to miss a moment of it!  

Turn it off, put it down, and go out and enjoy!