Friday, September 21, 2018

It's been a year

It's so strange. Life. It's so strange.
It's so beautiful. Life. It's so beautiful.

Today is our sweet Noah's 1st birthday. Instead of celebrating the precious little milestones a one-year old blesses us with, we will be celebrating a whole year that our dear gurgling baby boy spent in Heaven.

There are so many things that I've learned through the months and months and months that made up this year.

So many things have happened and changed through this year. It's been the longest and toughest and strangest and most beautiful year I've ever lived.

My family did everything we could to try to change the situation we faced with Noah.
When we were diagnosed, we sent out what felt like billions of prayer requests.
And James 5:13-15 says:
"Is any one of you suffering? He should pray. Is anyone cheerful? He should sing praises. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will restore the one who is sick. The Lord will raise him up."
So we went to the elders of the church and they prayed over us and they anointed our heads with oil.
I remember throwing myself to the ground many times and begging God. I was begging and weeping and begging for God not to take Noah, and I would do anything. Anything! We wanted healing of some kind. Something, anything God would do so that Noah could stay with us.

God said no.

Can you imagine?

Throughout this year some things occurred to me.

One, I realized how little my faith really was, however I thought it to be huuuuuge!
My children taught me so much about faith. When we prayed for a miracle for Noah, they believed it was going to happen so much,  that my [then] 6yr old Jude would put toys aside for Noah. When his sweet little voice would talk about all the things he would teach Noah and all the things he would save for Noah, my heart would rip from the inside out. My faith was not even the size of a mustard seed. I of course was crushed because I didn't have faith in the healing, and believed that Noah wouldn't be around to learn these things or see these things, and it destroyed me. But not Jude, he believed so much that his brother would be healed, because his faith is unshakable.

Two, I realized how hard life is with a teenager through his senior year of highschool. I always thought that my children, as they grow, will need me less and less. Oh that's so the opposite of the truth. You need to be a prayer warrior when you have a teenager. Every single free moment that you have to pray for them, do it! What felt like the most impossible year with trials and teenage-hood has panned out to be such an awesome situation. Our oldest told us a year ago that he didn't want to go to college and that he wanted to learn a trade instead. We know, but they don't know that parents just want what is best for them. We wanted our son to be successful and work hard, but it didn't seem like a good idea to support a not-well-thought-out plan. Long-story-short, they do grow up and they do actually repeat the good things you tell and teach them. He now has a great job, his own life, and is excelling by leaps and bounds and I am so proud of him!! Do not throw your hands in the air and give up, just respond with love. Just keep loving them no matter what. My boy and I have an agreement: no wedges between our relationship, and no lies. So when he came into my room late one night and muttered the words "Mom remember how you said that I always need to tell you the truth?" I had to brace and endure through the next 4 words "I got a tatoo". This nearly made smoke come out of my ears, but I first thanked him for telling me the truth. I have heard the "Mom remember how you said that I always need to tell you the truth?" bomb many times since, but I see it as a sign that my son trusts me and confides in me to share his life with me, every step of the way. Good and bad!

Three, grief is a tricky little thing. I was looking through some of my old never-posted blog posts and one of them really caught my attention.

This was from June 24, 2018:

"It's been 9 months and 3 days since we lost Noah.
They say with grief, there are 5 stages:
Denial... anger...bargaining...depression, and acceptance.
I'm not sure where miserable disconsolate human falls within those five stages, but it's where I am. I knew I would change, I knew I would never be the same after losing Noah, but I didn't know what to expect.
I dropped out of school, yay me!
I have become the most disconsolate women. Even my husband "jokingly" suggested I join the military."

Just a couple nights ago at a bible study, someone said that I looked as though I was flourishing. I do feel like I'm flourishing, but this previous blog post was not of a women who felt like she was flourishing. Grief can grab you and sink you when you least expect it.

I do not understand why God told us no when we begged an pleaded to keep Noah , but I do know that God is good. Through the confusion and crushing pain and anger and the flourishing, God has always been so close. There are moments that I'm so exhausted from doing me, that I can barely make it till bedtime before I start shutting down. My health has plummeted and big plans have fallen through, but some how I'm happier and more content than I've ever been.

It's so strange. Life. It's so strange.
It's so beautiful. Life. It's so beautiful.

God Bless!

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