I have started many blog posts, but abandon them shortly through. I'm not really sure where I'm supposed to be right now, and my writing can go from one extreme to the other. I am avoiding extremes at all costs.
Overall, the only thing I can really say is that I'm at peace. There is no better way to describe where I'm at. It's a strange place to be. It's a good place, but a strange place. It catches me off guard at times. I feel almost guilty sometimes for being in this place, but I've found that it suits me best.
I was so eager, but afraid to give birth to Noah. What scared me the most was having to endure the goodbye. I have always begged God to never ever take one of my children. How can a mother bare such an ache? I think I may understand now why God made me wait so long to have Noah. When I first was induced in the middle of August, I didn't understand how much I needed to pray for peace. When I came home, those long three days after the first induction didn't work, I prayed unceasingly for a peace that would surpass all understanding. Morning after morning, day after day, and night after night. Peace. Peace. Peace.
I remember at the beginning of Noah's diagnosis, we were told those meager percentages. The grim chances of him making it to his due date. The grim chances of him making it through delivery. The grim chances of us holding him and hearing him and watching him live. Things were quite grim in those early days. I never knew that peace could even be a possible solution in my new equation of life.
There were so many very simple ways that God showed us He was present and in charge of our situation.
The labor and delivery was very very rough, but to spare the harsh details, which I will, Danny and I could not stop thinking that Noah wasn't going to make it through. It was definitely the most traumatic labor I have ever endured. Noah did make it through because he was such a warrior. A warrior I tell you, so strong! Noah entered the world on the International Day of Peace, September 21, 2017 at 9:12 pm. How appropriate right? It was perfect!
He was absolutely beautiful and perfect! He was cooing and gurgling; he had so much to tell us (another thing he wasn't supposed to be able to do).
It worked out that Vince, Mom, and the children were right outside the door when he was born. They were the first to hold him. Shortly after, he was baptized by the Chaplin from our palliative care organization called Noah's Children. It was perfect!
The whole experience was seriously perfect! We had our favorite nurse. Noah waited for her, she worked the overnight shift.
We had two very very talented doctors. Yes, it took two doctors, Noah wanted an entourage to greet him :)
We were told early on that Noah may not be a candidate for organ donation due to his condition. I came to terms with that and tried to convince myself of all the reasons I wouldn't want that anyway.
Noah took his last breath in my arms at 4:51 am.
Every prenatal appointment I had, the doctors would listen to Noah's heartbeat and comment that his heart was always strong. Even after his last breath, his little heart kept beating for a long time. I think it's beautiful that he had a strong heart.
At about 7:30 am I received a call from an organ donation center. Noah had a donor request from a baby needing heart valves. They didn't know that Noah had a strong heart, but we did and God did. Pieces of his strong little heart were going to live in another little baby. It was perfect!
One of my best friends told me a couple months before Noah was born that she had a dream about me. In the dream, I came to her and murmured a couple words. Fearing how to decipher the words I spoke, she told me that she would wait until Noah was born and wait to see if I tell her those same words. While going through the whole story and telling her over and over how everything was so perfect, she told me that the words said in the dream were "Noah was born perfect!" He sure was, he was perfect!
What feels like an eternity ago was only two weeks; the last time I held Noah. Of course I miss him and it breaks my heart. Every morning that I drop Jude off at school I completely let my emotions run free. It's the time when I'm alone and it's also a time where I'm reminded of my relationship with my boys. My boys are very much "mama's boys" and it just rips my heart into pieces knowing that I can't physically experience that with my third boy. I know how our relationship would be. He would put Mama on a pedestal like his brothers. He would protect me with all that he has like his brothers. They all love love love their daddy too, but there is something special and different about Mama. Noah actually opened his eyes for Danny, not me, but waited for me to hold him while he took his last gasps of air.
I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know for now I have a lot of healing to do(in every form). I have a lot of things going on with my family, we're a busy bunch. I am traveling home for a week. I can't wait to be in the Adirondacks for some fresh air.
I have so much to look forward to. Some of those things are coming up soon, some later, and some not until I leave this earth.
God is good! All the time!