Thursday, August 10, 2017

Surprised by Joy

Last week I found out that I'm already 1 cm dilated. This has never happened with any of my pregnancies. I am only 36 weeks today. Usually we're over 40 weeks and no sign of cervix preparedness.

I had a day of appointments (I use that term "day of appointments" because it's one appointment after another, and it usually feels like a whole day long). Last week I was told that if I were 3 or more cms I would deliver Noah today. Before my appointments, we met with our palliative care organization for lunch and discussed some heavy topics.
We are torn about what to do for Noah if and when he passes. We are not sure we'll stay here in Williamsburg, so if we bury him here, would we be potentially abandoning him when and if we leave? Cremation is an option, but is it the best way? These are discussions that no parent should ever ever have to discuss. It's heartbreaking, unnatural and it sucks.

At my appointment we found out that my cervix has not changed, I'm still 1 cm, so we're are on schedule with the original date which will make me 37 weeks. We will start the induction Wednesday evening with the plan to have him Thursday morning (8/17). I was really happy to be able to go home today and know that Noah will have another week to live inside the womb.
I feel like I'm a bit of a ball of emotions and a swirl of thoughts.

One thing that I feel though, is immense joy.
How can anyone feel joy in a situation like this?
I know, it surprised me too!

I feel joy because I'm surrounded by people who love me and care for me. My phone has been getting non-stop messages and calls from people who are thinking of us and praying for us.

I feel joy because I am so blessed. I have so many gifts from God.

I feel joy because people are pouring love onto us like you can't imagine. It is AMAZING!

I feel joy because I have my mom and friends who are trying to help me with a healing plan for the grief.

I feel joy because my mom and Vince are ALWAYS here.

I feel joy because my friends and family are ALWAYS here.

I feel joy because the palliative care organization is ALWAYS here.

I feel joy because my husband has been so wise and calm and peaceful and positive and directive the whole way.

I feel joy because my children are positive and understanding and have even made suggestions on what we should do for celebrating Noah's life in the present and future.

I feel joy because I get to bring a soul into the world that may not be staying long in bodily form, but who has touched so many hearts and lives and will continue to for years to come.

For the next week while Noah is in the womb, I'm going to wallow in joy. I will seek it, and find it, and take it in like I've never done before. I want Noah to feel how much joy he's wrapped in. You may get sick of hearing how much joy I've found by the end of this week...or maybe you will join me.
I plan to post a picture every day this week showing the joy I've found. You should too!

I feel joy because God is good...all the time!

Surprised by joy day one: I don't think I need to caption this image, you just know the joy I feel.

    Image by Patience Salgado

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