Thursday, May 11, 2017

When the Levee Breaks

Straight out of the gate: I want to thank everyone who has been supporting us through this past month. The messages, calls, hugs, offers, and constant check-ins have been incredibly uplifting, and have made me feel so loved, and have given me so much strength.

My Mama, and a couple of close friends have encouraged me to keep writing about our situation in order that it may help someone else going through the same thing, and I have to agree. I was a little hesitant at first, but I suppose even from my end, there is a form of healing that happens each time I talk about our journey.

The past few weeks have been ______. I may come back and fill that blank in later, but right now I don't have a single word to sum it up.

I feel like I've been building a levee to hold back all the emotions. I've been doing things to distract myself from my emotions. I found the last season of Downton Abbey on Prime, so I've been binge-watching that. Jude downloaded a silly cooking game on my phone, and I've been binge-playing that (even though it's terribly annoying and resembles a recurring waitressing dream that I have. You know, when the restaurant fills up with angry customers and all of a sudden you are the only person working).

Of course there is school work to be done. My professors have extended my courses and omitted late penalties. I was very reluctant to share my situation with them, but when I finally did, I'm glad I did so. I really need those extra days and I am sooooo grateful to them for doing so.

In a sense, I think it's good to distract my mind from emotions, however there is a downfall: that levee built by distraction is bound to break, and it has. I am sooooo good at holding my emotions back. Like, really good! BUUUTTTTT when the levee breaks, it's completely unexpected, and I'm not prepared. It hits me at the most inopportune times.

Last week when I was waitressing (I feel like I will almost always have a side waitressing job cause that quick and extra money is rad and my coworkers rock!!!! :) I had a family at my table: Mom, dad, and their teenage daughter whom has down-syndrome. I can't even explain why it took me by surprise, but it did. I saw how smart and beautiful and perfect the daughter was, and watched them laugh and enjoy each other's company... and then the levee  broke. The flood of emotions that I'd been storing up flowed out like there was no end. The only thing I could do was hit the ladies room, look myself in the eye, and use some threatening language toward myself. I had to pull it together and all I kept thinking was why didn't we get that diagnoses? Why does Noah have to have a condition that's not compatible with life and not be something he can live with? It would be some of the best news if the doctors came back to us and told us that Noah had down syndrome. Why does it have to anencephaly? Why did this happen? Why do we have to be the ones chosen for this heart-wrenching journey? Why were we chosen to suffer? Down-right miserable pain and agony and torture and torment. I can take pain, lots of it, but suffering I just can't take. This is too much. I was incredibly jealous and sad and mad and burning with envy. I was angry and resentful and then ashamed for feeling that way. I became sad and sorry and remorseful and convicted.

Yup...the levee broke...

Danny and I are planning a trip away. Call it a babymoon if you will :) I feel like we just need a few days away to experience these emotions. A vacation to go somewhere and cry if we want to. We're heading out of the state in a few weeks. I usually get really excited about vacations and I plan and plan and plan and plan. I like to find the coolest coffee shops and play parks and historic sites, but this time, we're just going to wing it. We will be getting Ethiopian food cause well, that's our thing, but nothing else planned. We found a little granny cottage in the woods. Nothing like a little healing from serenity in nature.

I'll leave on a positive note:
A baby palliative/hospice care organization reached out to us and we just can't even believe how much they are doing for our family. They are making us meals, they give us gift cards to grocery stores, and they come to my appointments to be my voice when I'm too upset to talk. They offer sibling counseling and they offered a photography session for family photos with a very talented local photographer. At my next appointment they are going to record Noah's heartbeat and add it to a build -a-bear for each of my children, so when they squeeze the bear they will hear Noah's heartbeat.
The list goes on and on and on and on and on...

Never have we felt alone in this situation.
Yes, we are unceasingly praying for a miracle for Noah, and sometimes we don't get the miracle we pray for. It's all in God's hands. Point blank!
However, there is no doubt in my mind that the help and support and love we have received is a miracle happening right in front of our eyes.

We are so blessed, and we are so loved.
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