We've decided on a name for the baby. His name is Noah Gabriel.
I have an AMAZING family, lovely lovely friends, and a faith that's unshakable.
But today was rough...
Not sure if it was reality setting in or just one of those days. Today was my first day back to work teaching. For no apparent reason, it was just tough. I found myself sobbing on my way to work, on my lunch break, and albeit nearly the whole way home. I have a two-hour commute (one hour each way).
First, I find it heart-wrenching to watch my children work through their ideas, emotions, and understanding of Noah's situation. Two nights ago, at bedtime, just as I was about to close my eyes, Jude's little voice asked, "Is Noah going to die?"
It took everything I had to hold it together. I took a deep breath and told him, "If God needs Noah more than we do, he will need take him to heaven". He told me that he was scared and he doesn't want God take Noah. After I reminded him that in heaven we don't have sickness, so Noah wouldn't be sick there, and that he would be with God; Jude actually smiled and said "Oh yeah! I can see Noah when I get to heaven!".
Secondly, the whole "it's not fair" attitude is creeping into my thoughts. When I think this way, I cannot keep it together. It's not fair that we won't get enough time with this baby. It's not fair that we won't get to know this baby's personality. It's not fair that he won't get to share a room with Jude. It's not fair that I may never hear him cry. It's not fair that he may not make it long enough to see his home, or siblings, or grand parents, or dogs.
I did have an epiphany on my way home today. I asked myself why I am so upset today? Of course there are the obvious reasons, but I was really hard-hit today. I turned off the radio and actually talked to Noah. After all the "it's not fairs" I pointed out, I came to the conclusion that if I kept up with this mindset, I would give off a false sense of feeling short-handed or short-changed. I absolutely do not feel that way. I love this baby exactly the way he is. Do I wish he was healthy? Of course, but I don't feel less blessed that he is not. I love Noah Gabriel Zere with my whole heart, top to bottom. I have to remind myself that this baby is already a miracle. Most babies with this complication end up being miscarried early on. He is a fighter. I am proud and blessed to be the mom that gets to call this beautiful soul my child. I felt the need to completely stop feeling sorry for myself, and I'm so glad I did. That kind of behavior doesn't serve anyone well.
Some days I feel like I have it all together...that unshakable faith. Other moments, I am so deep in my sorrows. This is proof that I am need of a savior.
I didn't write this post to make everyone sad with me, and I am sorry if it feels like a sad post, but I think it's ok to be sad now and again. However, I do not think it's ok to be so sad, that it becomes a killjoy. I will not let fears and sadness get in the way of enjoying the blessing in my life.
God is good!
I am so blessed.
I have an amazing family, lovely lovely friends, and a faith that's unshakable.