Friday, July 28, 2017

Where Art Thou Sanctification?

It's been an eventful week.
I joined a support group on Facebook for parents with anencephalic babies shortly after Noah's diagnosis. Most days, it's one of the first things I check in the morning. There is so much information and support from the people in that group. I feel a bond with those people like no other. There are daily postings, and (unfortunately) a lot of people going through the same battle we are going through. Maybe I won't always describe this situation as a battle, but right now, it's what it feels like.

Each day brings new news: sometimes a picture of a long anticipated birth, along with stories of love and loss. Sometimes just questions about ways to cope, or medical experiences, or ideas for memory keeping and celebrations of life. I personally love seeing and hearing about the birth stories. It's almost become an obsession. I want to know every detail. I guess in a world where google can give us so many answers, I've gotten used to the idea of needing to know exactly what to expect. If I get enough data through each of these stories, I can pinpoint how my story will play out. I've even tried to morph images in my head to get an idea of what Noah will look like. I have been afraid of this. It's petty and immature I know, but I scare easily, and I am scared of what he will look like.

I hear from so many people about how strong and inspirational I am to them. Don't get me wrong, it feeds my ego and who doesn't love that, but honestly, I'm not any more strong than anyone else.
The time is closing in, I am only three weeks away from delivering Noah, and it is time for me to get myself in gear. Which gear? If I weren't so selfish feeling, I would say reverse. Maybe give myself a little more time to enjoy the kicks and flips I feel Noah doing inside me. I'm not kidding, he is literally flipping, we saw him on the ultrasound. No, not reverse, I am really really done being pregnant. This is the hardest pregnancy ever. Not just because of Noah's condition, but every part of it. My body is not keeping up and I can't handle it mentally.
The gear doesn't actually exist in car reference, but I need to shift into finding the path to sanctification. I've been seeking it for many many months now, and I get glimpses of it here and there, but I need to find it fully.

I know this may sound a little naive, but over the past two months the doctors couldn't see Noah's face on the ultrasound because he was too far down in my pelvis. I thought that maybe, just maybe Noah's skull had miraculously grew. If his skull grew, and his head managed to close, he would be able to protect whatever bit of brain he had left. Maybe this would be the miracle story of the century.

Well, I just had a day of appointments yesterday. Noah was breech when we first looked on the ultrasound, so we were able to snap a 3D image of his face. I mostly requested the image because I wanted to know whether he had a cleft lip which is pretty common in anencephalic babies (again, a fear I had). There on that image was not only proof that Noah didn't have a cleft lip, but also the most blatant evidence of Noah's condition. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but made me realize that I'm not scared at all of how Noah looks. Shortly after, we saw Noah turn head down into a full flip and I fully took advantage of the humor in that situation.

We toured the Labor and Delivery dept. and met the Bereavement Coordinator. We talked about everything from entry paperwork to discharge information. It was really nice and perspective changing. It all suddenly became real...like really real.
I woke up today with fear of labor for the first time in this pregnancy. I think it's pretty normal, but it's so unsettling.

As much as possible, I need to just stay connected to my holy place. I need to remind myself that there is something much bigger here that is going on. There is a perfect plan, and I'm part of it, my family is part of it, my friends and support team are part of it, and Noah is part of it. What it is is completely unknown to me right now, but I trust that it is all part of my journey toward sanctification.
God is good!!!



2 comments:

  1. Angela - God is speaking through you and through Noah. I am ON this journey WITH you - and it makes me so sad and so very proud to be your friend. and friend? I. Am. So. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I HAVE NO WORDS...however you have all the love I can possibly send you.

    ReplyDelete

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